I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I touched a dick in church today
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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