dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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