Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
