awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
