so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
