Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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