Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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