My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
