If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
