cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
