Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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