Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
