This is not my ceiling
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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