i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
