You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
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