he wants to bone in the snuggie
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
