i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Vodka?
Forever.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
