why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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