Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
