the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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