Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
