My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
