we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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