i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
