South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
