Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
