Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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