I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
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I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
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oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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