I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
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i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
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He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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