Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
