Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
