my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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