just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
