you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
