i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
