Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
