I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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