I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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