so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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