I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
