His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
