I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
