I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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