i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
