I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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