My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
