textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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