I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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