Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
