we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
