we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
