My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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