I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just had sex on a roof
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
