I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died