i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.