and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.