Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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