I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
