My friends, they love my intelligence
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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